Dearest Man

Dearest Man,

There was a time that you had power over my body, it had detrimental damage to my spirit.  There was a moment in space that shook my entire being, it had troubled my mind for most of my life.  That ghost of a child has been fulfilled with solutions to my damaged soul. It was Woman that saved me.
Dearest Man: You ask me why I do not trust you? Because your initial violence, at such an early stage in my life, handicapped my ability to feel any kind of safety.  You ask me why I argue with you? Because my beginnings with you were that of the scars that I daringly show now.
Please save your apologies Man, that is not what healed me.  For Woman’s loving kindness & magical energetic healing is what changed my entire soul.  My world was protected & survived by Woman, not by your “strong arms” Man.
Dearest Man: You are strong without discipline; a villainous, lunatic superman.  Your muscles did not cradle me but they shook my body, spirit & mind in all ways to break it; but the Goddess would have it differently within me than what your destructive strength would have had.  Goddess would save me through the magical creatures called Woman.

Unfortunately for you, all that fear that you striked inside me: is gone now.  Now it’s just a part of my story & I am not keeping it like a secret anymore because I don’t have to.

Sincerely,
The Newborn that you tried to Shake Violently

Copyright 2017

The Voice

Once Upon a Time, I found my voice & never let it stop.  I held it so closely that they said, “She’s such a know it all.”.  I didn’t let it go for a minute, so it seemed that maybe I was just talkative.  I had my own voice and I wanted everyone to know it, so I formed a habit; apparently I was either bossy or argumentative.  That is what happened when I did not agree with the popular opinion in many a group of friends that I had and eventually outgrew.


This is what happens to children who didn’t have much of a voice for themselves: either they become too loud for the world to take them seriously OR they never embrace the voice they have for fear of judgment of that ‘voice.’
I can still remember when I found my voice: my step father helped me see it.  I was taught to not like my voice and to leave it alone because there was no room for the sound of it.  Although my step father didn’t think so, he always encouraged me with reverse psychology (i.e. teasing me about how I might look or act on a day, etc.) and I developed my FIRE.

So it happened…the world displayed it’s displeasure with the sound of my voice again.  It happened again. Although, the universe gave me a secret weapon to protect me against losing my voice again.  This man doesn’t have an attitude that cares about the world and the shallow opinions of the very little information that it knows of him:

 He’s my man & the father of my child.


        This isn’t a story about how I was saved though.

It is a story about how I kept my voice even when the whole world wanted me to lose it again.  

        People will do anything to contribute to the loss of your own voice or the loss of credit behind the sound of your voice. When they do so:

  1. Remember that it is because their own insecurities screaming at your authenticity; it’s jealousy.  Remember that someone who truly appreciates your individual voice and it’s unique sound will only encourage it.
  2. Recognize others when they want to be unique & honor the sound of their own anthems & voices.
  3. Don’t discredit others because you are afraid of endorsing them only to find out that their voice is more intuitive/knowledgeable/wise than your own; you can’t always be the best at everything.

Unfortunately we are raised in a society that thrives on the generation of ego-motivated actions/words.  Even as we cultivate our self-awareness, forgive yourself often because the power of societies psychological conditioning runs very deeply in our minds.  Cultivate patience for yourself so that you can catch yourself when following your egoic mind & leaving your loving heart and free spirit behind….also because you’ll have to run back to where you left them behind!

As for my voice, it will be singing it’s song; even when no one agrees with it.  I wasn’t given a voice to agree and although I can not pinpoint exactly where my voice may lead me, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll be living my life without regrets because without my voice, I am not who I was created to be, even if that’s not the same person that another person may remember.
For the person who has suffered a loss with their intuition/voice or “inner-knowing”: there is something you have left behind. The solution is not to figure out exactly “what” but to go back to “where” it all began.  When/where did you begin to doubt yourself so much that you’ve suffered a loss of your authenticity?

Only you can answer this.

 

My Vairagya

Experience: Vairagya
Remembering the Self

“With constant Remembrance of the Self, Vairagya, all yearnings fade.”

“Sanskrit, the language of the sutras, is particularly well suited to this heart-centered approach because it is vibrational language, on win which words resonate through countless layers of meaning. When this powerful vibrational language is translated literally into a very logical and straightforward language like English, many of its subtleties may be lost. The strength of the English language lies in precise, concrete explanations. It is less powerful when describing the subtler realms, the unite of the feminine and the masculine, and especially the intuitive realm.”

-‘The Secret Power of Yoga’ Nischala Joy Devi

 

While partially integrating the Experience of Vairagya, as instructed on pages 49-50 [The Secret Power of Yoga], I realized that the English language was the limit that I have had this whole time. The poetic & beautiful are ambiguous, along with the spiritual & divine. With a language that has been described to be so linear, it only makes sense that it was so very difficult for me to make it back home; to remember myself.

         While I attempted to write this essay, I had a discussion with my boyfriend [Chris]. As it goes below:

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Reflection

You can not speak for me.
You will try.

You can not see through my lens.
You will try.

You can not tell me who to be.
You will try.

You can not tell me how to feel.
You will try.

You can not understand me.
You will try.

I can not speak for you.
I can not see through your lens.
I can not tell you who to be.
I can not tell you how to feel.
I can not understand you.

….and I will not try.
I am without obligation to make sense to you.

With this talisman of consciousness,
I can lead you to the water.
But I can not make you drink.

With this gem of wisdom,
I can be a compass for truth,
But I can not control your direction.

With this blessing of introspection,
I will love you with total acceptance.

Because the only person I will face in the morning,
Is the reflection in my mirror.

Sincerely,
Spirit

Copyright 2016

A True Practice

“Seekers who believe they must practice yoga only in the meditation room are under a great illusion. They must practice yoga in society as well.  Practicing yoga in the meditation room is easy because there are no external disturbances but one encounters many disturbances while practicing yoga in society, which makes it very difficult. A true yogi/ni is one who can successfully protect his/her mental steadiness while in society.”

-‘Sayings of Swami Kripalu’ [book]

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Altruism – For Chris

Altruistic al naturale.
No need to censor it.
The humane spirit of us all.
Exponentially expressed in his example.
Determined through his duty.
He will slap your ego without spite.
Tireless through the myriad of teams,
He releases his rage peacefully.
Serenity surrounds the several with him,
Rushing past the rambunctious child in you.
His soul incapacitates the mind’s insults.
The humble in this man is honorable.
No glory to be gathered.
His heart laments with the lonely,
Then jogs with the jester in you.
Humble is not enough to express,
The fierce intensity but jovial warmth of experiencing him.
Thank you Chris
Sincerely,
Spirit