Quitting was never an option in my mind; Vulnerability was not okay. I always wanted to feel security and surity.
Most of my problems were created by my sense of responsibility for everything/everyone. I had a lot to prove to others because I always heard of their stories of how much they proved themselves too.
I had done it in hard finally one day. That ‘Never Give Up or Give In’ attitude really finally hurt me physically: it hurt one of the most important things to me. Yoga.
My hip was injured from that attitude and frame of mind so I became..
I was unable to do hip postures without pain. Didn’t have insurance to prove to myself what I knew to be true of my pain. First time in my life where I felt vulnerable and I couldn’t push it to the back of my mind like I did with my other pain.
Everyday that I woke up, it was a roll of the dice as to whether or not it would ache all day or just click in that one way to remind me: “Haha!! I’m still here!!”
It wasn’t a person that I could run away from because I was the person….
I struggled with this feeling for a long time. I toughed through it because it wasn’t something that I thought that I should complain about because I was always told that there are people with bigger problems.
The shedding of this skin of “I Never Give Up!!”, wasn’t easy. Because the attitude itself had evolved with it’s own ego.
It would use my actions against me: “You wouldn’t be where you are today without me!”, “I helped you get over so many bad people; you’ll need me again and again AND AGAIN!”.
But this ego of mine didn’t know the Power of Surrender.
Every morning, for 3 months after my emergency C-section, I slowly was giving up in little ways. What I did not see in this big picture, was the shedding of that out-dated attitude.
I didn’t see that my gentle, easy-going nature from my teen years was surfacing again. She was quite lovely.
And there were days that my ancient ego would swim back up for a day and lay it on me like an abused child! Some days all I could do was self-loathe…
Although the days that She surfaced: she would reconcile all my self-created dramas. Her voice was soothing but also so stern. She understood by the forgiving words that I received intuitively, “You know, it really is okay to not be reliable all the time.” and “You can’t be everything to everyone.”
And so I allowed myself to be the delicate flower.
I conveyed my concerns to others.
I enjoyed an extra glass of wine & didn’t regret it in the morning.
I really enjoyed the food that I was eating & learning to cook new recipes.
I did yoga only for the enjoyment and the moment I wanted to stop, I DID.
I said ‘No’ to things that I really could not do for another person.
I respected my boundaries when others were not.
I would not permit anyone to tell me that I should feel guilty about having an opinion.
I let people learn hard lessons instead of interjecting unsolicited advice.
I allowed myself to be quiet instead of commenting on a person’s hate for me.
And I didn’t feel guilty about any of it.
In the Morning, I Quit. And it has routinely become an absolute necessary part of my morning ritual. I will never fail to Quit when it is necessary for my mind, body and soul. It is important for all of us to really accept when it is time to surrender. You will inevitably hurt yourself in one way or another and people may pick & choose when they want something else; Don’t listen to them. When they wanted to quit, they did. If they knew the value of really & totally needing to quit, they would not scrutinize you for it.