In The Morning, I Quit.

My problem?
Quitting was never an option in my mind; Vulnerability was not okay.  I always wanted to feel security and surity.

Most of my problems were created by my sense of responsibility for everything/everyone.  I had a lot to prove to others because I always heard of their stories of how much they proved themselves too.

I had done it in hard finally one day.  That ‘Never Give Up or Give In’ attitude really finally hurt me physically: it hurt one of the most important things to me.  Yoga.

My hip was injured from that attitude and frame of mind so I became..


I was unable to do hip postures without pain.  Didn’t have insurance to prove to myself what I knew to be true of my pain.  First time in my life where I felt vulnerable and I couldn’t push it to the back of my mind like I did with my other pain.

Everyday that I woke up, it was a roll of the dice as to whether or not it would ache all day or just click in that one way to remind me: “Haha!!  I’m still here!!”

It wasn’t a person that I could run away from because I was the person….

I struggled with this feeling for a long time.  I toughed through it because it wasn’t something that I thought that I should complain about because I was always told that there are people with bigger problems.

The shedding of this skin of “I Never Give Up!!”, wasn’t easy.  Because the attitude itself had evolved with it’s own ego.

It would use my actions against me: “You wouldn’t be where you are today without me!”, “I helped you get over so many bad people; you’ll need me again and again AND AGAIN!”.


But this ego of mine didn’t know the Power of Surrender.

Every morning, for 3 months after my emergency C-section, I slowly was giving up in little ways.  What I did not see in this big picture, was the shedding of that out-dated attitude.

I didn’t see that my gentle, easy-going nature from my teen years was surfacing again. She was quite lovely.

And there were days that my ancient ego would swim back up for a day and lay it on me like an abused child! Some days all I could do was self-loathe…

Although the days that She surfaced: she would reconcile all my self-created dramas.  Her voice was soothing but also so stern.  She understood by the forgiving words that I received intuitively, “You know, it really is okay to not be reliable all the time.” and “You can’t be everything to everyone.”


And so I allowed myself to be the delicate flower.  

I conveyed my concerns to others.

I enjoyed an extra glass of wine & didn’t regret it in the morning.

I really enjoyed the food that I was eating & learning to cook new recipes.

I did yoga only for the enjoyment and the moment I wanted to stop, I DID.

I said ‘No’ to things that I really could not do for another person.

I respected my boundaries when others were not.

I would not permit anyone to tell me that I should feel guilty about having an opinion.

I let people learn hard lessons instead of interjecting unsolicited advice.

I allowed myself to be quiet instead of commenting on a person’s hate for me.

And I didn’t feel guilty about any of it.



In the Morning, I Quit.  And it has routinely become an absolute necessary part of my morning ritual.  I will never fail to Quit when it is necessary for my mind, body and soul.  It is important for all of us to really accept when it is time to surrender.  You will inevitably hurt yourself in one way or another and people may pick & choose when they want something else; Don’t listen to them.  When they wanted to quit, they did.  If they knew the value of really & totally needing to quit, they would not scrutinize you for it.

I cordially invite everyone to do what they need for themselves, so that when others need, you will be able to give and not quit.  

I amend in the declaration of my own constitution, to give my damn constitution a break.


Dearest Man

Dearest Man,

There was a time that you had power over my body, it had detrimental damage to my spirit.  There was a moment in space that shook my entire being, it had troubled my mind for most of my life.  That ghost of a child has been fulfilled with solutions to my damaged soul. It was Woman that saved me.
Dearest Man: You ask me why I do not trust you? Because your initial violence, at such an early stage in my life, handicapped my ability to feel any kind of safety.  You ask me why I argue with you? Because my beginnings with you were that of the scars that I daringly show now.
Please save your apologies Man, that is not what healed me.  For Woman’s loving kindness & magical energetic healing is what changed my entire soul.  My world was protected & survived by Woman, not by your “strong arms” Man.
Dearest Man: You are strong without discipline; a villainous, lunatic superman.  Your muscles did not cradle me but they shook my body, spirit & mind in all ways to break it; but the Goddess would have it differently within me than what your destructive strength would have had.  Goddess would save me with the magical creatures called Woman.

Unfortunately for you, all that fear is gone now.  Now it’s just a part of my story & I am not keeping it like a secret anymore because I don’t have to.

The Newborn that you Shook Violently

Copyright 2017

The Voice

Once Upon a Time, I found my voice & never let it stop.  I held it so closely that they said, “She’s such a know it all.”.  I didn’t let it go for a minute, so it seemed that maybe I was just talkative.  I had my own voice and I wanted everyone to know it, so I formed a habit; apparently I was either bossy or argumentative.  That is what happened when I did not agree with the popular opinion in many a group of friends that I had and eventually outgrew.

This is what happens to children who didn’t have much of a voice for themselves: either they become too loud for the world to take them seriously OR they never embrace the voice they have for fear of judgment of that ‘voice.’
I can still remember when I found my voice: my step father helped me see it.  I was taught to not like my voice and to leave it alone because there was no room for the sound of it.  Although my step father didn’t think so, he always encouraged me with reverse psychology (i.e. teasing me about how I might look or act on a day, etc.) and I developed my FIRE.

So it happened…the world displayed it’s displeasure with the sound of my voice again.  It happened again. Although, the universe gave me a secret weapon to protect me against losing my voice again.  This man doesn’t have an attitude that cares about the world and the shallow opinions of the very little information that it knows of him:

 He’s my man & the father of my child.

        This isn’t a story about how I was saved though.

It is a story about how I kept my voice even when the whole world wanted me to lose it again.  

        People will do anything to contribute to the loss of your own voice or the loss of credit behind the sound of your voice. When they do so:

  1. Remember that it is because their own insecurities screaming at your authenticity; it’s jealousy.  Remember that someone who truly appreciates your individual voice and it’s unique sound will only encourage it.
  2. Recognize others when they want to be unique & honor the sound of their own anthems & voices.
  3. Don’t discredit others because you are afraid of endorsing them only to find out that their voice is more intuitive/knowledgeable/wise than your own; you can’t always be the best at everything.

Unfortunately we are raised in a society that thrives on the generation of ego-motivated actions/words.  Even as we cultivate our self-awareness, forgive yourself often because the power of societies psychological conditioning runs very deeply in our minds.  Cultivate patience for yourself so that you can catch yourself when following your egoic mind & leaving your loving heart and free spirit behind….also because you’ll have to run back to where you left them behind!

As for my voice, it will be singing it’s song; even when no one agrees with it.  I wasn’t given a voice to agree and although I can not pinpoint exactly where my voice may lead me, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll be living my life without regrets because without my voice, I am not who I was created to be, even if that’s not the same person that another person may remember.
For the person who has suffered a loss with their intuition/voice or “inner-knowing”: there is something you have left behind. The solution is not to figure out exactly “what” but to go back to “where” it all began.  When/where did you begin to doubt yourself so much that you’ve suffered a loss of your authenticity?

Only you can answer this.


My Vairagya

Experience: Vairagya
Remembering the Self

“With constant Remembrance of the Self, Vairagya, all yearnings fade.”

“Sanskrit, the language of the sutras, is particularly well suited to this heart-centered approach because it is vibrational language, on win which words resonate through countless layers of meaning. When this powerful vibrational language is translated literally into a very logical and straightforward language like English, many of its subtleties may be lost. The strength of the English language lies in precise, concrete explanations. It is less powerful when describing the subtler realms, the unite of the feminine and the masculine, and especially the intuitive realm.”

-‘The Secret Power of Yoga’ Nischala Joy Devi


While partially integrating the Experience of Vairagya, as instructed on pages 49-50 [The Secret Power of Yoga], I realized that the English language was the limit that I have had this whole time. The poetic & beautiful are ambiguous, along with the spiritual & divine. With a language that has been described to be so linear, it only makes sense that it was so very difficult for me to make it back home; to remember myself.

         While I attempted to write this essay, I had a discussion with my boyfriend [Chris]. As it goes below:

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The In Between

The moment. 

You love having conversations,

This time it has to be: sagacious. 
The mood. 

You enjoy the solitude,

This soul doesn’t mind out standing periods of silence. 
In between. 

The moods and moments. 

Moods that conceive ideas.

Moments that drop back and quench your spirit. 
In between the people,

You will find inspiration. 

In between the attitudes,

You will see history. 

In between the lines,

You will read the truth. 
Have you found your In Between?
The space in between your reasons & lies?

The space in between your sanity & truth?

The space in between who you were supposed to be & who you are now?
Endeavor for your space. 

Drive for that lovely silence.

Your in between is the beginning you are looking for. 
It’s not the silence or the noise that creates it. 

Not the past or future that determines it. 
It is pure CHOICE. 

Where did you miss place your choice?

Your in between…?


It was just like looking right into the mirror of my shadow self.  The darkness overwhelmed me this time. Cried so hard that my nose bled. There wasn’t a way to surface for air for about two days.

Transparency took over my life for awhile & the idea of curling up only made me want to scream bloody murder. I only wanted to take off to find where my spirit had hidden my happiness….it wasn’t my spirit that hid it.  It’s that I hid my happiness inside your heart.

There is this long held belief that we put our happiness in someone who doesn’t deserve it.  Although, what happens when you place that happiness in someone who truly appreciates you?

The problem is: when something happens to shake our world, it truly is only to wake us up from our slumber.  Too many times do we waste our time stressing on the wrong subjects of our lives. When death visits the threshold of our lives, we have one of two responses:

  1. We run for the  hills, curl up inside our mind & refuse to feel it OR find an unhealthy outlet.
  2. The moment we allow it to hit us & feel it completely, we beginning the healing process quicker.

The truth is that in order to really feel anything, we MUST feel transparent to transform.  There is a profound transformation that happens when death comes around & knocks on our doors.  It shows our mortality & it risks the truth: that we really do feel and we know the same truth as everyone else; Our lives mean nothing without the justification of love & memories with the one person we may never get to express & show our feelings for again.


……..when the opportunity of showering our love on another is almost stolen from us, we see the transparency of our ego & that expressing our love for friends and family could possibly be the only true meaning in the creation of this vast universe & for being on this beautiful blue marble.



Copyright 2016